I’ve been in Finland for a year 

One loop around the sun

An ellipse, or maybe an ellipsis

When we arrived, I thought we could rest

When we arrived, I didn’t think we would keep moving

Not seven times, no…

 

From the Helsinki apartment in Punavuori

With the glassed-in balcony 

And the sofa and tea lights and blankets

And the view of rust Autumn leaves

Where I drank my morning coffee

 

To the Iso Omena apartment that was sold

Iso Omena, The Big Apple

Finland’s Sherman Oaks Galleria

Where teens smoke and swear by the Alepa bikes

Perkele, perkele, perkele, they say

I wasn’t sad to leave, who wants to live by the mall

 

To the red Dragsfjärd cottage by the sea

Where I marveled at yellow-green ribbons

That danced across a canvas of ink

Those Northern Lights

Where I watched the snow fall from a sauna window

Where we turned the white lawn into choirs of angels

Where my daughter moved from bed to desk

With the aid of the coffee I brought

Up the winding farmhouse-style stairs

Such a long commute to school

She sighed

 

To the Matinkylä apartment

Where building renovation made my ears ring

Where daily walks beside the sea kept me sane

Through the long wait for vaccination

Through the long wait for residency

Can we stay or must we go

I wondered

For 7 long months

 

Through unanswered job applications

Through the rain and snow and sea ice

When the frozen sea became a continuation of the land

And Finns walked on water to the Temple of Poseidon

 

Through the dark Winter

That would not release its grip

Not even in April

 

Into the heady melt of Spring

When color cracked white Winter’s icy hand

Green and red, purple and pink, yellow and blue

Into the relief of acceptance 

Residency, Oleskeluplupa, Uppehållstillstånd

 

Into the pain of separation

When my partner took the only job offered

In California

And left before the snow melted

And silence echoed louder than the din of construction

 

Into Summer 

When the tough construction dudes in neon

Set out birch branches for Juhannus

And a pretty pink Marimekko tablecloth

And I walked alone to admire the sun that barely set

On the longest most magical day of the year

 

So to California?

Because I told him I would try it

Because the Cali corp dangled a job

When none in Finland had 

And I mulled departure

An amputation of a mother from her children,

Impossible

 

So I lingered

Because I couldn’t leave them

Because the light was back all day long

And noone cut the dandelions down

Or the forget-me-nots, or the fireweed, daisies and harebells

The Water lily, yellow Iris, and the grand dame

The Lily of the Valley, Finland’s national bloom 

Thrive here, the wildflowers whispered

Nature is on steroids in Finland

my daughter said

And my son and daughter and I swam in the warm sea

And ate cardamom-infused pulla

Americans love korvapuusti, I am told

 

To the US 

Where a return became a visit

To the dearest of old friends and family

Where laughter rang and loneliness vanished

Where the grand Pacific crooned a siren song

With the wash of each wave

And I remembered how much I loved 

The sight of Mount Rainier at sunset

Where I jetted between states

Where I saw pillars of smoke 

As high as the wing of the plane

And I thought, cause and effect

Where the homeless slept under bridges

Where I could no longer walk where I wanted

Because each of the cardinal directions

Was no longer safe 

Where catalytic converters were stolen

And Dove soap was under lock and key

At the grocery

 

So to Finland again 

Like a boomerang

Where the sky was cornflower blue

And the air so sweet, I gulped

Ravenous after smoky Western skies

Where construction had torn our balcony down

And the windows were covered in plastic wrap

And could not be opened

.

So to Rööperi again

To a view of an oxidized church steeple

And rainbows over a park

Where children play and pensioners talk on benches

Safely

To where my sweetheart has returned

But I do not know if he will stay

And I eat pulla on another balcony with my children 

I sometimes wake

In the tender hours before dawn

And I wonder

Where am I?

I am here

Where I have everything I need

And maybe more.